Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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