I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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