and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
