: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
