im having a threesome with these popsicles
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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