dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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