so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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