She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
