I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
