had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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