I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
