gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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