She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
