sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
