at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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