Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
from now on my penis is your penis
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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