so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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