i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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