He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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