My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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