Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
