Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
