I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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