Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
