Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
