I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
