I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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