I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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