Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
