I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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