my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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