why do cheetos always look like penises
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
