New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
