he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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