We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
