How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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