My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
