the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
