I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
