a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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