I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
