my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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