I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
