Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
