I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
