everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
