at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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