Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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