I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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