Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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